I overheard a conversation the other day, from people I work with. It was a long table so I was just listening, but it got me thinking, first in case someone addressed me, but then I caught myself thinking about it long after the conversation was over.
The question was simple enough: Do you still have dreams?
The guy asking was just turning 50 and told about some kind op epiphany he had, that turned him from an aggressive executive to a regular worker. However he changed from living for work to work for a living, and he also started working in something he enjoyed. He talked about how he had great dreams, great ambitions, how he wanted to achieve something, to make a difference, to maybe even earn himself a name. He was in charge of many people and had a lot of responsibilities. Then something changed (probably he was fired) and he started working less and in something that he enjoyed more. He said he just stopped having dreams.
He was arguing that people experiment a big transformation around their late forties. That they settle and drop most of their dreams, most of their ambitions. They realize that they will never reach them or that they are not really worth it. He asked people around, and some agreed. There was one in their fifties that disagree, although that particular man cannot be categorized as ordinary by any means.
What do I think? I think I have always been a conformist. I never had really high goals for myself. I only wanted a normal, mediocre and happy life. I wanted a family and a steady job. And now I have them. That is all. Of course I had some idealist dreams in my youth, but not many. And I get tired of things easily, so it sometimes amazes me how could I managed to achieve my degree. Maybe that was the one thing I really needed to achieve my humble goal, that is the only thing I really worked hard towards.
And now? Do I still have dreams? Ambitions?
I think not. I have all I wanted and more. I might have some whims here and there but not dreams. How about something typical like writing a book? At some point I think about it. But that would require a lot of effort and some talent I am affraid I lack. But what I really lack is force of will.
I do not know if that lack of force of will, that lazyness I usually have is a collaterall damage of not having dreams anymore. Maybe I should get dreams again? Even small ones?
However there is a thing that is slowly growing and substituting my dreams. It is there, growing. I wonder if it could grow so big it ends up being fuel for my now non-existing willpower.
I have no more dreams. Only Fear remains.
I am happy, really happy. I have everything that I wanted. Although I probably try to enjoy work a little more, I am happy with that too. But happiness has a reverse side. That is fear. Fear to lose that happiness. It is there, always lurking.
Lately it had diminished a bit, but I can feel it, growing. There has been some time that I stopped rushing home to see if everything was okay, but I am sure that is just that I have grown used to a certain level of fear. However it is there, keeping you awake at certain nights, making you break a cold sweat with certain news, making you put yourself in the worst case scenario any time a world event develops.
Probably the problem is that dreams make you move, while cold comfort makes you lazy and fear paralyses. I should try to move a little bit, just a little bit. Maybe harness fear and just try to be prepared.
I do not know. Maybe I need a dream. A small one. I need to, I do not know, maybe I just need to put effort into something. Maybe that is it. Use fear or a dream as fuel, but I think I need to do something. Something. Even writing in the blog could do. As a starter.
